i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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