I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
People in love make me want to vomit
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
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