ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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