i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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