i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
he's gonorrhea incarnate
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
