A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
