The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
