you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
she told me i tasted like america
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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