Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
