There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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