she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
