I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
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