Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
