Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
