on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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