It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
