I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
