i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
