I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize