Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Small penises have feelings too.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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