I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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