I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
