This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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