I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
We got so high we made milksteak
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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