Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
