Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
