Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
