I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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