I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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