Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
