I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
