Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
