Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
