I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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