i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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