I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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