I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
