nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
