The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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