my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
