this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize