so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Randomize
