nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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