When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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