New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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