i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
no more duck duck goose at the bar
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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