There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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