I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
