fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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