They should really pass out barf bags in church
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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