you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
