the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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