If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
