I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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