i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize