The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
