He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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