I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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