Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
