my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize
