All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
