I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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