turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
