I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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