just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
zippers are such a cool invention
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
