Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
