His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
