So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
